lonely

Sometimes, every now and then, I feel particularly lonely. All sorts of things can set it off, someone I like, kissing someone else, even though I know it's not like that between us. The 'Let's go out.. have some fun... but you don't want anything serious do you?' conversation, which to be honest I'm a bit sick of hearing. An old couple holding hands, stupid I love you messages on good old Facebook, actually, now I think of it, almost anything that can make me feel good one day, happy for others, glad to see there is goodness and happiness in the world can also make me feel alone.
When it hits hard, it's difficult not to run to someone, anyone, to feel comfort. The momentary sex fix that allows me to lose the world for a while, pretend for a while, that nothing matters. Half an hour (if i'm lucky!) of escape. What makes it harder is that I am a sensual and sexual person, I like to hold hands, to cuddle and kiss, to pleasure.... and so on!
Is it so scary now to commit, to work towards a relationship? Or is it just easier not to? To stay single and not have to worry if you are hurting someone or wonder what they think or expect? I guess I'm not the only one to feel this way, that there are others in the same position as me. I'll meet one eventually, someone who wants someone special, that wants the intimacy only time together brings... won't I?

escape

if i could fly
i'd soar up to the sky
wishing the world goodbye
gravity meaning nothing to me
detach myself from all i see
i'd be free

Not so secret me?

You ask how I am and i'll say i'm ok
Tell what's going on and be on my way
Keep all the emotion deep inside
None of you know how hard i've cried
When i'm alone it's all in my head
Curl up and hide away in my bed
I have so much yet still i'm down
The corner of your eye you'll see me frown
Every week great times with my friends
But its just me when the evening ends
I have so much to give my heart could burst
I hardly ever put myself first
The confidence and strength is just a shell
Though most of you would never tell
So here I sit with tears on my face
Stop sit and stare into space
If I show you this side of me
Would you stay or flee?
Be surprised at what's under my skin?
Stay outside or want in?
Finding out would be the true test
Put myself out there and hope for the best
It's just not a risk i'm willing to take
The wall around me too hard to break
Need someone to make me steady
Have had so much hurt already
How can I let someone in
When I don't even know how to begin?

messy head (a ramble)

family illnesses, the distance away, relationships (or lack thereof), friends, friends moving, new friends, good times, bad news, waking up alone, stupid sore throat and sniffle, feeling down, indecision, change, bury my head and ignore it all! and that's just the half of it........

staying busy

whenever I feel happy
and start something new
allow myself to forget
what's happening to you
lose myself in the good
ignore the bad
pretend its ok
that i'm not sad
if i stop
time to think
too much guilt
i might sink
too much emotion
battling inside
keeping myself busy
so i can hide
should i tell you all this
that goes in my head
would it help you to know
what i have said
too hard to share
these things with you
don't want you to know
my point of view
so i stay busy
and keep on the run
perfecting the lie
my life in the sun

Poem/lyrics

I wrote this as a poem, but a side track while writing felt like a chorus, not that I would be capable of putting music to it! It has no title.

When we met that night

I had no defenses

Took leave of my senses

and just went with the flow

It was though I knew you

Known you forever

No need to be clever

Just be myself, be me

Hooked by your kisses

Made my knees weak

Too breathless to speak

I wanted more

I fell for you more than I should

More than I meant to anyway

My heart wouldn't listen

To what my head had to say

I want you to kiss me

You don't say that you miss me

still

You can have your way

My heart just won't listen 

To what my head has to say.

Something I wrote a long time ago

A Moment in Time

So when he looked my way I completely forgot what I was doing, what I was saying, if I was saying anything at all. Has that ever happened to you? Someone who seems to look into you, all the way deep inside, and you don't mind. In return you see into them, like an open book, as if you've known them forever, not just a moment in time.
Do you believe something like this can happen to you?
Do you just get on with your life because something like that could never happen to you?
After all that girl he's with must be a girlfriend, with my luck more likely his wife! If you asked her why she suddenly had a tighter grip on his arm she wouldn't be able to explain, but subconsciously she felt it, felt that connection you just made, the slight shift in her expression giving her away.
So what to do?
How do you approach a stranger you know you have to meet, to touch, to know? Was it really a two way thing or am I just kidding myself? Is he thinking the same?
I looked back across the room........
He's nowhere to be seen.
Slight panic sets in that the moment has passed, a moment not seized, a perfect moment that may never happen again, the moment escaped me.
Then I exhale, the world comes back into focus with a rush, reality sweeps away the fantasy of what might have been. I convince myself if it was meant to be we will meet again, and move on.