married men and 20 year olds

Almost sounds like a book title but seen as I don't know the end can't write that one yet!

Can't help but wonder if there is something about me that attracts these guys. For some reason lately the guys that have paid me attention are about 20 years old, now while some would wonder what my problem is with this, it's not at all what I'm used to. I find it hard to believe that someone of 20 will want the same things as me. While the attention is flattering, and yes I do have a bit of fun flirting with them, I can't take it seriously.
So married men, while none of them have a crossed a line they have walked very close to it! I have very little to lose, I would never intentionally try to split someone up, but again I can't help but have a little fun flirting! Again I can't take it seriously, they are married after all!!
This year I have been attracted to 3 single men. One I have ended up pretty good friends with. We have a good time together, he was honest enough to tell me he wasn't looking for a relationship early on which has allowed us to get past that and be friends.
Another admitted he had just come out of a long term relationship, and I also will admit I let texts run away with me a bit when I had too much to drink and most likely scared him off a little!!! Alright a lot but hey... we bump into each other now and then but that was that.
The third well that's a tough one, I'm still seeing what happens there. He said we should go out again and I've made a couple of suggestions but no plans so far. I haven't really told him how attracted I am to him, determined to take a slower path. Got a lot on anyway so that will help. Will just say he has one of the best smiles ever.
So back to the married men and 20 year olds... my conclusion is this... they don't see beneath the surface. They see my outer shell of smiles and confidence and aren't really interested in what's beneath all that. Maybe some are but I don't seem to be able to get my head around that possibility. I could tell these guys about myself and what I want but would they actually believe me or think I was just telling them what they want to hear? Would they take the time to find out? For the married men I guess that a little female attention boosts their ego, safe flirting. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we had met when both single though, would I be the wife with a flirty husband?! I'd like to think I'm sexual and sensual enough that flirting with others would not be necessary to feel wanted but you never can tell.
As it stands I will continue to amuse myself watching the world around me and hope that someone does take that time and effort to get to know me, not just the fun side, but the quiet side, the over thinking side and all the other sides!
Wish me luck :)

cold wine and flip flops

give me cold wine and flip flops

at the end of my day

to ease the confusion

let the stress slip away

add music and sunshine

what more do i need

the simplest of things

help my smile to succeed

so follow my example

find the peace thats within

give me cold wine and flip flops

let good times begin

lonely

Sometimes, every now and then, I feel particularly lonely. All sorts of things can set it off, someone I like, kissing someone else, even though I know it's not like that between us. The 'Let's go out.. have some fun... but you don't want anything serious do you?' conversation, which to be honest I'm a bit sick of hearing. An old couple holding hands, stupid I love you messages on good old Facebook, actually, now I think of it, almost anything that can make me feel good one day, happy for others, glad to see there is goodness and happiness in the world can also make me feel alone.
When it hits hard, it's difficult not to run to someone, anyone, to feel comfort. The momentary sex fix that allows me to lose the world for a while, pretend for a while, that nothing matters. Half an hour (if i'm lucky!) of escape. What makes it harder is that I am a sensual and sexual person, I like to hold hands, to cuddle and kiss, to pleasure.... and so on!
Is it so scary now to commit, to work towards a relationship? Or is it just easier not to? To stay single and not have to worry if you are hurting someone or wonder what they think or expect? I guess I'm not the only one to feel this way, that there are others in the same position as me. I'll meet one eventually, someone who wants someone special, that wants the intimacy only time together brings... won't I?

escape

if i could fly
i'd soar up to the sky
wishing the world goodbye
gravity meaning nothing to me
detach myself from all i see
i'd be free

Not so secret me?

You ask how I am and i'll say i'm ok
Tell what's going on and be on my way
Keep all the emotion deep inside
None of you know how hard i've cried
When i'm alone it's all in my head
Curl up and hide away in my bed
I have so much yet still i'm down
The corner of your eye you'll see me frown
Every week great times with my friends
But its just me when the evening ends
I have so much to give my heart could burst
I hardly ever put myself first
The confidence and strength is just a shell
Though most of you would never tell
So here I sit with tears on my face
Stop sit and stare into space
If I show you this side of me
Would you stay or flee?
Be surprised at what's under my skin?
Stay outside or want in?
Finding out would be the true test
Put myself out there and hope for the best
It's just not a risk i'm willing to take
The wall around me too hard to break
Need someone to make me steady
Have had so much hurt already
How can I let someone in
When I don't even know how to begin?

messy head (a ramble)

family illnesses, the distance away, relationships (or lack thereof), friends, friends moving, new friends, good times, bad news, waking up alone, stupid sore throat and sniffle, feeling down, indecision, change, bury my head and ignore it all! and that's just the half of it........

staying busy

whenever I feel happy
and start something new
allow myself to forget
what's happening to you
lose myself in the good
ignore the bad
pretend its ok
that i'm not sad
if i stop
time to think
too much guilt
i might sink
too much emotion
battling inside
keeping myself busy
so i can hide
should i tell you all this
that goes in my head
would it help you to know
what i have said
too hard to share
these things with you
don't want you to know
my point of view
so i stay busy
and keep on the run
perfecting the lie
my life in the sun